That’s my goal. I want everyone who sees our movie The Aristocrats
to enjoy it. I really do. So far we’ve done a really good job.
We’ve had only a few people walk out, and most everyone else seemed
to have a great time. Certainly a higher percentage of people who’ve
seen our movie liked it than the percentage of people who liked
The Lord of the Rings. One reason is that The Lord of the Rings
sucks and our movie is good. But more importantly, everyone is supposed
to like The Lord of the Rings. They made it for everyone, because
everyone has all the money. We didn’t make The Aristocrats
for everyone; we made it for our friends.
You can tell right away our flick ain’t for everyone. Our movie
uses that four letter word that begins with “C.” Our movie
uses that word a lot. A way lot. You know the word; it’s the word
you say and everyone is automatically sexually harassed. A hostile work
environment in one word. It’s the word that adults call “the
C word” in front of other adults. Adults who say every other dirty
word as every part of speech won’t say that goddamn C word. When
Aristocrats say the C word in the movie, it’s worse than just
using the C word. We don’t use it in anger or as a mere ejaculation.
We don’t even use it as synecdoche. The Aristocrats mean it as
the real thing. We’re not just using dirty words; we’re
using dirty images, and dirty ideas. And even worse, we’re doing
it just for fun. Just for a laugh. The movie’s not for everyone.
“Don’t say shit in front of a C. H. I. L. D.” –Kinky
Think of the most disgusting images you can. Think of the worst scatological
and non-consensual sex you can. Imagine children. Imagine young children.
Imagine children that are related to each other. Children who are related
to you. Imagine animals. Young endangered animals who are related to
each other. Young endangered animals who are related to you. Nope, you’re
not even close. The movie has over 100 professionals. They are much
more disgusting than you can ever be, that’s because they’re
The movie is a lot more than dirty words and disgusting images. The
taboo language is not even the main thrust; the main thrust is a movie
with no nudity, no violence, and no conflict. It’s a movie about
laughing with your friends. It’s very political because it’s
not political at all. The Aristocrats just take for granted they can
say anything they want. Fighting for freedom is a losing battle. Taking
liberty is what real Americans do. It’s a love story, it’s
political, it’s patriotic, it’s funny, funny, funny, funny,
funny, funny. But, you shouldn’t see it if you’ve ever been
offended by any word ever ever.
If you’re going to be offended don’t bother coming. It
was a cheap movie to make. We don’t need everyone’s money.
We have other jobs. Our asses aren’t on the line. If you think
you’re going to like this movie, please, you’re invited.
If you’re in Vegas and you meet me, I’ll show it to you
for free over at my house. My wife and I will serve popcorn. But, if
you’ve ever been offended by any joke, read a book, I suggest
Michael Moore and Mel Gibson are the same person, except for a few
sit-ups. Moore thought his cheesy political blooper reel was going to
tell people how to vote. Mel thought that his little gay S&M movie
about his imaginary friend was going to help him get to heaven. George
W. Bush is president and there’s still no god. You failed boys.
Someone should have told Mike that the bad guys are smarter than him
and someone should have told Mel that the Three Stooges were Jewish.
Both those filthy rich losers wanted everyone to see their
movies. Moore wanted the Republicans to be shocked by how wrong they
were and see the light shining out of his fat ass. Mel went for straight
off-the-rack proselytizing. They both just got even richer.
I’m already richer than I should be. I don’t want to shock
or offend anyone who doesn’t enjoy being shocked and offended.
I want to make people laugh and love life and love watching all my friends
making each other laugh.
So, IF YOU HAVE EVER EVER EVER BEEN OFFENDED BY ANY JOKE— DO
NOT SEE THE ARISTOCRATS! If you think you might be offended
by our movie, why don’t you go see The Lord of the Rings?
(in other words: go to hell.)
And then—everyone who sees our movie will love it.